I have created three boys. Yup, three crazy, excitable, curious, constantly hungry and occasionally calm boys. Our home is filled with chaos, laughter, dirty handprints, front flips and never ending food supplies. At times it resembles a wrestling ring with lego bricks, undies and life lessons. And what emerges from the madness is something so simple. If I don’t see to my own needs first, I have nothing to give to them either.
In this blog I will show you what I have learnt about patience, resilience, love and compassion not just as a woman but as a Mum herself.
1. Pause
Things get stressful, of course it does. AT times kids stop listening, press our buttons and demand their own way with the most unreasonable of behaviours. Toys get thrown, kicks and punches are thrown and all we have is patience in our armour. Just the other day a mum asked me, “How do you keep your patience?”. This made me laugh WAY more than it should have. Patience is like a muscle you have to train regularly. The more you practice the easier it becomes and it starts with pausing before you react. When we react we lose our power. By pausing it reminds us that we have a choice in how we choose to respond. If you haven’t eaten properly or slept well that day, your patience will not come easy. You cannot give them the pause if you have not given yourself a pause to ensure you needs are met first.
2. Resilience
Resilience doesn’t mean coming back stronger each time it all kicks off. Quite the opposite in fact. Being resilient means staying calm, grounded and loving when life gets tough. I would often feel guilty for losing my shit, taking myself to the bathroom for a 5 minute breather, crying in bed at night for not enjoying time with my precious little ones. Now I get it, all the hardship is a part of the process and most definitely not a sign of failure. It is because I am resilient that I can keep being there for them even when everything feels like its falling apart. The truth of it is, I am the best Mum I can be for them when I have eaten my high protein foods, when I have done my weights at the gym, when I have laughed hard with my friends, when I have my solid boundaries in place and can say no without feeling like a terrible person. AND finally, this one is a work in progress, when I ask for help. (I do this but it feels extremely uncomfortable and therefore I will naturally do it more and more to get over myself!)
Resilience isn’t perfection – its permission
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3. Love Looks Like Boundaries
My boys love language is LOUD, its boisterous, its bouncing off furniture and charging at me full force for a hug. But get this, love can also be quiet, calm and peaceful too. Sometimes as parents saying “no” is the one thing that reminds the boys that they are safe, that providing a hug of reassurance and a moment of calm is more impactive that any other way. When we show our children that love can be quiet, we are also modelling how we love ourselves. When I ask that they be careful around my bladder when bouncing on me, I teach them to respect a women’s body. When I respect my own “adult” time, I teach them that they too, are allowed to have alone time for them. When they see me working out with my weights, they also learn that physical health is important for mental health. Their little eyes are always observing my behaviour and its important that they see that love includes loving me, not only them.
4. Self Care Is Assertive NOT Selfish
I am not talking about bubble baths and affirmations on the mirror (although they do help!). I am saying that motherhood is sacred, which means becoming whole not empty and drained of every ounce of energy you possess. This looks like saying no to the school assembly, its waking up and having my coffee before they wake up, its meeting up with friends for a good sing, its releasing guilt! It is the complete acceptance that my happiness is the cornerstone of their wellbeing.
5. Compassion includes YOU
I hold compassion for every living creature including my children, but I cannot be the best version of myself if I do not find a place for compassion for myself. I forgive them when they lash out, I forgive them when they refuse to get dressed or break a toy and have a melt down in the middle of Tesco. But what about me? I have learnt that I have to find ways to be forgiving of myself for not being the perfect mother day in day out. I have to grant myself some grace for trying my best to keep my cool after a sleepless night and refocus upon celebrating the small wins. Compassion starts with myself.
CONCLUSION
Raising three wild, handsome boys? Its been exhausting, noisy and messy and by far the best thing that’s happened to me. At times its been horrific, I’ve had to dig deep down into the earth for scraps of patience and trust my gut unapologetically. If there is one thing I have learnt its that self care is not an option, its a crucial part of your survival. It is compassion for yourself aswell as your children. Particularly on the bad days. I am still trying to get my head around motherhood, even after 18 years! One thing is for sure, being a mum is rough, glorious, and life changingly beautiful.
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